Dumb Things Coaches Say

If you’ve been on a ball field long enough, you’ve heard virtually every single coach blurt out pearls of wisdom to their young ballplayers. Many of these sayings are regularly spoken (or shouted) at every level of baseball, from tee ball to the MLB. But if you listen to what the coach is actually saying, you realize that they aren’t very helpful at all.

So many coaches just repeat things they heard themselves without really thinking about WHAT they’re saying. Nearly every coach that I’ve met (as well as instructors and trainers) are well meaning individuals, interesting in improving their kids. But if those ballplayers listened to the exact word that their coaches are saying and responded to them, it would be illuminating. And entertaining.

So in that scenario, I bring you Coach Clem and Bobby Ballplayer.

Coach: “Whadda ya say, Bobby?”
Bobby: “Well, I wanted to discuss the unrest in the Middle East, but because that’s a long discussion, perhaps we should wait until after my at-bat…”

Coach: “Show ‘em where you live, kid.”
Bobby: “But I live like a half mile directly behind home plate. Well, OK. Everyone, follow me…”

Coach: “Just throw strikes.”
Bobby: “Do you think that I’m trying to throw balls, walk people, be taken out of the game and embarrass myself?”

Coach: “Just swing at strikes.”
Bobby: “Well, to be technical, if I swing at a pitch, whether I touch it or not, isn’t it a strike? Yeah, I thought so…”

Coach: “BACK!!!”
Bobby: “Coach, by the time you see the pitcher start his pickoff move to first, and you shout ‘Back!!!’ to me, and I hear it, and I start to react, I’m pretty sure it’s too late by then. But if it makes you feel like you’re doing something positive, then knock yourself out…”

Coach: “You kids didn’t come ready to play!”
Bobby: “Oh, did I forget my pants at home? My bat? My glove? No… OK, I stunk today, but I was ready to play when I got here.”

Coach: “You gotta make that play!”
Bobby: “Umm, obviously I don’t. I really would have liked to, but I didn’t get it done. So sue me.”

Coach: “Bear down!”
Bobby: “Quick! Give me your cell phone! I gotta call Animal Rescue…”

Coach: “C’mon! Everyone in the ballpark knew THAT was coming!”
Bobby: “Except me. Thanks, Coach. You really know how to make a 12-year old feel awful.”

Coach: “Go down swinging!”
Bobby: “Wouldn’t you prefer I get on base so we might score a run?”

Coach: “Just make contact!”
Bobby: “Cool. The other team wants weakly hit balls, too.”

Coach: “Swing down and hard!”
Bobby: “Yep. The pitcher wants lots of ground ball outs. Let’s help him out…”

And you parents, you aren’t immune to using these pearls either.

So think before you speak. Learn from those that have experience and success. And communicate with clarity.